Fireworks and animals aren't a good mix but fireworks named AFTER animals are all kinds of awesome, as these 10 examples loudly and colorfully illustrate.
1) Purple Fish
We'll lead off with a doubleheader: “Purple Fish” from Black Cat Fireworks. This booming barrage in a box seems certain to frighten every cat on the block and if the name is any indication, it doubles as a lazy angler's introduction to dynamite fishing. Oh, and it also makes a great gift for Prince fans. (image at top via Cats by moonwhiskers, all other images via Epic Fireworks)
2) Dragon's Tooth
Fireworks are one of the last refuges of ethnic stereotyping and not a whole lot has changed since this vintage firework hit the shelves with a bang. Ironically, most of the more egregiously offensive transgressions come from China, where most of the world's home fireworks are made.
3) Screaming Spiders
If running from spiders screaming is your thing, then this Screaming Spiders fireworks box set is right up your alley! Even virulent arachnophobes can get into the swing of things once the fuse has been lit on this web of fiery glory. Best of all, between all the screaming, no one will hear you shrieking “Help meeeee!”
4) Criss Cross Crabs
This Fourth of July, give her crabs... Criss Cross Crabs! We can state with confidence that this boxed batch of boomsticks is made by Golden Lion Fireworks. We're a tad less confident trying to explain what “after sweetcorn” alludes to, so we won't even try. In any case, Criss Cross Crabs is probably best paired with some mellow early-Eighties soft rock.
5) Three Blind Mice
Just a reminder, kids (and their pets), fireworks are NOT toys and they CAN hurt you if you're not careful. Google it if you don't believe us, and “goggle it” if eye protection is important to you and yours. In the meantime, setting off Three Blind Mice fireworks this Fourth of July is one way to make a teaching moment happen.
6) Mad Moth
Are fireworks manufacturers running out of scary creatures to name their products after? Seriously, moths?? They don't even have mouths and... OK, that's kind of creepy and horrific in and of itself. There was also a Godzilla-universe movie called “Mothra” back in the day, and you really didn't want to get the “Queen of the Monsters” mad.
7) Space Insects
Insects... In... Space... now there's a buzzkill for ya! We have to say, the supposed space insects displayed on this packaged fireworks combo aren't all that spacey or even insect-y: they look more like Space Turtles, amiright? That said, be sure to follow operating instructions and ensure the octagonal box doesn't tip over after lighting the fuse – those fiery flying insects can really sting.
8) SOS Cuckoo
“SOS Cuckoo” would make a great name for a garbage scow in some fourth-world nation's navy. As it is, it's a terrible name for this roman candle-style firework even without the “SOS” part... clearly a cry for help. Maybe the manufacturer was just using foresight and being proactive so they've got that going for them, which is nice.
9) Tiger's Revenge
Setting off fireworks at a PGA event? Be prepared to incur a little Tiger's Revenge, along with a lengthy Q&A with local sheriff's deputies down at the station house. We're not sure why this firework is called Tiger's Revenge, btw. We would have gone with “Tiger Bomb”, as an homage to its far-eastern origin and soothing effect on stiff muscles.
10) Eagle Rocket
The Fourth of July is a quintessentially American holiday, so any collection of animal-named fireworks would just have to include one named after our majestic national bird. Not even the ghost of Ben Franklin could dissuade onlookers from gasping with delight as a fire-trailing squadron of Eagle Rockets soar into the wild blue-black yonder. Of course, you're welcome to dub any duds as turkeys.