Rollback The Rainforest: The Top 13 Exotic Pets of Walmart
The sterile aisles of the world's Walmarts would seem to be the farthest one could get from our planet's inexorably vanishing rainforests, yet once you “roll back” the retail facade to reveal the real people populating America's favorite place to shop you'll find more exotic creatures than you can shake a stick at... sticks are on sale this week at 30% off, by the way.
13) Just Beak Cause
Birds are built lightly in order to fly, just as humans evolved to be fast on their feet to chase down prey (or avoid becoming it). That was then and this is now: your average Walmart shopper isn't in any shape to chase anything that might actually move and it seems pet birds have followed their owners down that deeper and wider path. Take the living perch above, neck bent at an unnatural angle from uncounted years bearing bloated birds – which don't appear to be wearing diapers, by the way.
12) Saving Primate Ryan
You've gotta hand it to this guy and his pet... and don't ask us to pinpoint which one's the guy and which one's the pet. Check out that chain, ferinstance, you could tie down King Kong with that thing. Last time we saw a carabiner that sturdy, it was being used by Sir Edmund Hillary as he rappelled down Everest's sheer North Face. Not that we're complaining, of course, nobody wants that mischievous rascal running wild while you're shopping... and that goes for both man and monkey.
11) Giving Thanks
You'll find Walmart stores in almost any nation on earth, even Turkey. On the flip side, you just might find a turkey in any Walmart regardless if it's in Turkey or New Mexico. Judging from the carefully considered fashions worn by the couple in the image above, we're going with the Land of Enchantment.
10) Crocodile Chumlee
Either this guy's on his way from the pawn shop to Walmart's footwear department to buy a matching Croc or there's a very small dog inside that 'gator – maybe both. That potato chip display on his left looks VERY tempting, though, so he may not make it much further without stopping for a bite. Coincidentally, that's just what the 'gator was thinking when he came across the dude's miniature toy poodle puppy earlier that day.
9) Buyers & Smellers
We're not saying the selection at Walmart stinks, it's the selectors who're the problem. As for asking "Who was that musked man?," don't, OK? Just assume it's a pet cat with an unusual striping pattern and a simply terrible case of B.O. and move along down the aisle.
8) Apply Directly To The Furhead
“Dan'l Boone? Never heard of him!,” said the badass in the spiffy shades as he shopped the local Walmart for a new pack of Three Wolf Moon t-shirts and a few ACME products. Give the guy credit, though, it ain't easy being a Mountain Man in Florida where the highest natural point (Britton Hill) is just 345 ft (105 m) above sea level.
7) Who You Callin' Chicken?
“Coupons? We gladly accept them.” Capons? Not so much, but you can't blame the feller above for trying – speling is harred after all. On the upside (and compared with Wolfman Jerk), at least HIS hat is alive and can provide a little warmth on cooler days. Coyote Killa smiles inwardly, knowing his headwear will never poop on him again.
6) Rodent Of Unusual Size
This is a Capybara, the world's largest rodent and a native of South America's lowland forests and savannas. What's one doing at a Texas Walmart, on a leash no less? Well it's like this: capybaras look a little like small shaggy hippos which helps them blend into habitats commonly populated by small shaggy hippos... like Texas Walmarts.
5) Hop Until You Drop
Is that a kangaroo in your pocketbook or are you just happ... hey, that IS a kangaroo! Huh, we never knew Walmart sold living creatures, not counting the Walmart China food section. This is just one more reason the “leave your bags at the door” policy is a good policy: why give Walmart's much-maligned greeters another reason to roo the day?
4) Oh Heavenly Hog
Have you hugged your hog today? This gal has, and we're guessing it's not the first time either. Seriously though, bringing one's pet pig to Walmart has its advantages: the critter's got a nose for bargains which could possibly be used as an electrical outlet in an emergency. On the other hand, this could be something that offends Muslims, not to mention everyone else.
3) Playin' Possum
Judging from the serene smile on the above gentleman's face, he really loves his pet opossum and judging from the rabid (so to speak) expression on the possum's kisser, he really loves the gentleman's facial hair. Hey, at least someone (or some thing) does.
2) Tally Ho!
And we mean that in a good way, really, but back to FOX NEWS where today we're featuring fox news. Why the er, foxy lady above chose to bring her furry friend to Walmart is beyond us but hilarity will surely ensue once the other Redd Foxx gets a good look at Chicken Hat Man.
1) Chameleon Karma
He came to buy a DVD of Planet of the Apes but wound up on the Planet of the Brain Slugs! But wait, aren't chameleons known for their amazing ability to change their skin color to match whatever surface they're resting upon? If so, this lizard recently spent time on John 3:16 Guy's rainbow afro 'do.
Exotic animals at Walmart... and they're not even for sale! Looking is free, though, and seeing is believing: if you thought the real animals at Walmart were the shoppers you're, well, right but they're not the ONLY varmints you'll find there.
Thanks and a tip of the cap as well to People of Walmart, the hard-working source of these all-too-real images you only WISH were 'shopped!